5 Things Learned During My Engagement

Throughout this process of planning a wedding in 5 months, I've discovered 5 things that engaged girls (and guys!) should keep in mind:

No, really, I promise. This is the wedding of two people. Not the wedding of two people, their mothers, grandparents, well-meaning cousins, and the florist. If you and your SO want something (within reason), go for it. If you don't want something, don't do it. People that love you can become so excited to help you out that they end up bullying you into doing things you just don't want. They still love you, and you still love them, but do your own thing. 

Make sure that the wedding is a reflection of your personality, not just something that is a copy-and-paste from someone else's vision. It's ok to break some traditions - how else do you think those traditions got started?! (P.S. The traditional "church wedding" comes from Roman culture and mimics one of the several types of marriages they performed, with a little Christian twist to it. It's cool to not be like the Romans, if you don't want.)

Guys, money doesn't grow on trees and I really can't stress this one enough. You and your SO sit down with whoever is paying for the wedding and decide an actual dollar amount for the wedding and the reception. If you two are paying, that's cool, but you need to do the same thing. What we've done is to make a spreadsheet with every category we could think of as the rows, with the following columns: Description, Estimated cost, Actual cost, Person Paying, and Person in Charge. (I might make a separate post about setting this up and using it. It has been invaluable!) 

Once you have the dollar amount, stick to it. If you can't afford a $5000 loft barn for the ceremony, then no matter how badly you want it (and let me tell you, it was GORGEOUS!) you have to find somewhere else to get married or compromise on another category. 

Colors, theme, decorations, dresses, flowers, food, etc. Everything in my wedding has had to change a little bit. And that's ok! What matters more than if I got the original things that I wanted is that everything, in the end, works out for good. Fight for what you love, but don't make mountains out of molehills.  

*Confession: Both of those are things I have said when being much less than nice. I was also possibly hormonal at the time they were said. I ate a doughnut afterwards and things were much better.* 

You are going to get stressed. You might even cry. Someone might say something rude or un-thoughtful to you. You might completely disagree with your future spouse on the kind of music that is and is not acceptable to play at receptions. That's tough, but you have to be nice. A party that lasts for a few hours on one day is totally not worth making people who care mad at you. Remember back to #1 when I said you should fight for what you want? You should, and you might hurt some feelings along the way, but be loving when you fight. There's no point in getting your way if your attitude makes people not want to show up on the big day. 

Yay! You're engaged to a really awesome person who you are going to get to annoy and laugh with for the rest of your lives and you only have a few months to plan the (so far) biggest day of your life. No pressure.....ha. 

There's lots of pressure. There are lots and lots of things to do. But you can burn out if you tackle them all at once with all of your energy. My future mother in law gave me a beautiful piece of advice:

Take a break to be a couple - you only have a little while to be engaged. 

She's right. I can get so caught up in getting married to The Gentleman that I sometimes forget that I am still in a functioning relationship with him. Go watch a movie together, or build something, or go workout. Don't neglect your relationship so you can marry him/her. It's not cool, man. 

Go have fun, be engaged, and rock your wedding! 

♥ Sarah

Busting A Relationship Myth

There are a bunch of people on Facebook sharing an article titled, "6 Things Healthy Couples DON'T Do". And I think it's awesome!

And the first item on the list caught my eye: #1: "Healthy couples don't go to bed angry"

That's a great idea, a wonderful statement on how, ideally, couples should work through issues as they happen. (And yes, The Gentleman and I try to work things out immediately.) But in reality, there are nights when we have to let the matter rest until the next day (or the weekend) when we have time to work it out. He works full time and I'm in school 9 months out of the year and sometimes staying up until the wee hours of the morning figuring things out is just not reasonable or an option.

It is certainly more healthy for a relationship to be able to work an issue out before going to bed, so please don't think I'm bashing the article! But I do want to show a realistic scenario that doesn't line up with the ideal. I am NOT saying that you should go to sleep while ready to chew your significant other out, instead, agree to disagree for the evening and *then* go to bed, or go study, or whatever it is that you need to be doing. My issue with advice like not going to bed angry is that so many times it just glosses over issues, as if every time there is a disagreement, every couple will be able to pop a bag of popcorn and settle in for the evening to have a "work it out" session. That ain't happening. Especially not if you're dating. Super especially not if you're in a long-distance relationship (holla!)

There are times when you may have to set the issue aside for several days until both parties have the time the issue deserves. And that stinks, especially as a girl. We girls can obsess over issues until we can't sleep! (Not saying guys don't do this, but females are more likely to.) 

So, while definitely NOT the ideal, it is acceptable to lay a matter to rest for the evening. Please don't get too caught up in keeping "the rules" that you drag a matter far into a night that you needed to be persuing other things. I've done it and regretted it. Healthy couples can make adjustments when needed. 

P.S. This is not advice that The Gentleman and I have come up with on our own. It was presented to us in a book that completely changed our relationship (for the better!) Fit To Be Tied is a book we now recommend to every single couple we know, and even to our single friends!

Love and Respect {Part 2}: The Heart of a Relationship

I was nervous about showing The Gentleman my post from Tuesday. Mostly because I have always been ridiculously self-conscious of things I write, but also because The Gentleman lives and breathes cars. (The entire vehicle analogy came from my observations of how careful he is with his vehicles.) I held my breath while he read it and then asked his opinion. There was immense relief when he said he liked it and then started talking about it. He even said that I got most of the car terms correct – bonus points for this girlfriend!

After we discussed the role of respect in relationships and how respect must be a non-negotiable, freely given (never at jeopardy of being taken away on a whim) gift between the partners, he asked if I planned to continue the post.  While I had thought about it a little, I hadn’t planned on pursuing it right away. The Gentleman suggested that I focus more on my engine analogy and explained that, if you were to strip a car down to its basic components, the engine would actually be the heart of the car. He said, “You know, if you forget to care for the heart of your relationship, you really are doomed to break down.” And that sparked a thought.

A few days ago, I witnessed my mother try desperately to get her car fixed, but no shop could take it in until four days later. Thankfully The Gentleman and my father were able to get it fixed, but there was much duress until then. I am so thankful that when my “relationship car” starts breaking down, I can take it right away to The Mechanic (Christ). There’s never a wait-list, He’s always open, and He never does bad work. What’s even more powerful is when both partners take their “car” in together.

If maintaining a healthy relationship is like maintaining a car, how can you keep your “relationship car” running well? I’ve asked The Gentleman to help me in compiling a list of ways we think you can keep a relationship running smoothly and as The Mechanic intended:

• Preventative Maintenance – talk about problems as they come up.
• Pray every day, throughout the day, for your relationship. For God’s hand to cover your mouth to keep you from saying words or thoughts that would provoke your boyfriend – or anyone else, for that matter.
• The most intimate moments I have with The Gentleman revolve around us sharing our spiritual life with each other. Talk about your personal walk with Christ. Go to church together. Pray with each other. Text a Bible verse you think might be applicable to each other’s day (this little act has completely turned my day around from bad to wonderful.) This kind of intimacy does not come easy for me – I have always struggled with talking about my personal faith. But how can I possibly claim the name of a Christian and not talk be about it? This is a growing period for me and I am so appreciative of The Gentleman’s heart in this matter.
• Laugh together. Anyone who has been around us for any amount of time knows that we can’t go long without doing something that makes one or both of us laugh. It’s so freeing to be in a relationship where we can be ourselves and have someone who shares our sense of humor.
• Truly do respect each other. Today’s society has a little mantra floating around that says, “Respect must be earned” and that’s a nice thought – until you begin to dissect it. When you do, you realize why we have a rape culture - why would a man respect a woman if he is taught to think she hasn’t done anything in particular to earn it? You realize why there are parents crying out for help because their children are going wild – if the children don’t believe the less-than-perfect parents have earned their respect, why would they listen? Yes, some respect should be earned; a man should have won the respect of people before running for presidency, an employee should earn the respect of their boss and co-workers before moving up in the company. But plain and simple respect for another person because they are a beautifully and wonderfully created-by-God being is not something anyone has to earn. It is a right from even before birth. My respect for my boyfriend is not conditional on how I feel moment-by-moment. His respect for me is not something I have to earn each and every new day. 

Love and Respect: A relationship with The Mechanic

I’m sure by now most people have heard the phrase, “Men need respect and woman need love” – it’s becoming almost cliché. It’s the most repeated theme in the relationship books, blog posts, and scribbles from our parents The Gentleman and I have been reading. We take relationship maintenance as seriously as a car enthusiast takes his vehicle’s upkeep. We polish the good parts and sand down and fix the blemishes. We clean the interior and constantly inspect the undercarriage for worn places. But we’ve realized that if we take care of everything else but forget the “engine” of our relationship, we’re doomed to stall on the side of the road. The engine of our relationship is maintained by our relationship with Christ; the greatest relationship mechanic there’s ever been. When we stop keeping up with Him - when we stop praying and reading our Bibles – our “engine” starts missing. But by maintaining that relationship as well – if not more – than we maintain the one we have with each other, we are better able to keep the rest of our lives in balance. And you know what’s funny? Christ’s exact words to couples are, “However, each one of you [men] also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Ephesians 5:35 NIV. Read 5:22-35 for the full lesson.)

Me and one of The Gentleman's vehicles

But here’s the catch: we’re not married. So how does that command work for couples in that awkward in-between stage? For us, and I realize that I’m no expert, it manifests itself by my treating The Gentleman as though he were my best friend whom I cherish with all my heart (and he is!) and I try to never say anything that would wound him or pierce the fragile armor around his heart, even when I don't feel like being respectful or loving (when I get angry or frustrated), and he does the same for me. Sure, there are bumps along the way. I can joke in a way that comes across cynically or mean, and he can be so focused on other things that I feel left out, but those two things are becoming less and less of a problem as we focus on the simple command Christ has given us. 

To love and respect is not an option - it's a command.