Our Precious Lasts

There's a rapidly circulating article on a lovely young woman named Brittany who is choosing to end her life on November 1st, 2014 in order to avoid a painful death due to brain cancer.

I spent a solid 30 minutes sobbing after I read about her on A Cup of Jo - I have been "blessed" with the ability to feel strongly other people's pain.

My stance on the issue is not in line with Brittany's, but I feel for her. I am empathetic to how terrifying her limited number of days is. I understand how big that vacuum inside her heart is when she thinks about death and what comes after.

However, this post is not about her choice to decide the time and place of her death - that is not a topic I wish to carry out on social media – and others have done a much more eloquent job than I ever could. This post is about living.

As I scrolled through the comments on A Cup of Jo, one in particular stood out. Another woman who has been diagnosed with an illness made the point that today's society is so caught up in having amazing *new* experiences before we "kick the bucket" that we fail to think about how precious our *last* experiences will be. We as a society are disengaged from our elders, missing out on the opportunity to witness and participate in "lasts." We take the time to photograph or otherwise document a child’s thousands of “firsts”, but aren't an elderly person’s “lasts” just as important? 

The end of life is not what most would consider beautiful; it lacks the aesthetic nature of birth and childhood. But in so many ways, it is more so. The last days we have on this planet are our parting gifts to humanity. Our flourished - or scribbled - signature on the letter we wrote as we lived. The punctuation mark at the end of a sentence. And they are fleeting. 

I know from personal experience what a terrible thing it is to waste lasts. I grew up paying short visits to my great grandmother every year, but I was so much more interested in watching her TV or playing with her dogs and cats that I can only remember a handful of things she said before she passed away. In retrospect, she was one of the strongest, most unbiased, and loved-filled women to ever grace this planet. Her heart and home had room for everyone, even those society would consider unlovable. I completely missed out on learning from her, instead I only have snatches of her essence, so to speak, to remember her by. I would give so much to go back and talk with her, ask her questions, or just listen to her gently laugh at the antics of her large family.

I’ve thought about this over and over today, and wondered how I can change my thoughts on firsts and lasts. How I can mold my sense of appreciation to accept the nearing end of someone’s life. How I can learn to see it as beautiful and not something to be shut away and mentioned in hushed tones. How I can prepare to experience lasts in mine and other's lives. 

Because life is beautiful, and terrible, and hard and as it draws to a close the finale should be abundantly celebrated. It should be cherished. It should be brought out in the open and talked about – it is something we will all face and we might well face it with as much vigor as we can.  

 ♥ Sarah

The Great Coffee Experiment

I decided to experiment. The goal of this experiment was to 

1) Try my hand at making homemade coffee creamer

2) Attempt to find out if cold-brewed coffee works for iced coffee

I started with the coffee creamer.

Following the recipe found on Mrs Happy Homemaker, I mixed one 14oz can of sweetened condensed milk with 1 and 3/4 cups whole milk:

Then I added 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract, mixed it up again, and then poured it into an old (cleaned!) coffee creamer container.

That was clearly a lot of work (and *so* expensive at $3.66 for the whole bottle), so I took a break and went to get a sno cone at the only place one should get sno cones: Jerry's Sno Cones!

Then I went back home and got to work on my cold-brewed coffee.

I used my favorite roast from my favorite (and local!) coffee company, J. Brooks Coffee.

And yes, I have to mark my bag so people don't steal it. It's that good.

I followed a ratio of 50:50 grounds to water.

Mixed it together.

It looked kinda' gross at this point, so I covered it and went to bed.

In the morning, for a breakfast of Super Coffee Drinkers: Caffeinated Avengers Assemble!

(I know. That's a lame joke. It was early and I thought it was funny.)

Take a gander at those grounds now - they're almost pretty!

Now pour those grounds into a french press, I had to use a spatula to get them all in. I would have preferred to do the entire experiment in the french press, but I'm not the only one who uses it. Sigh.

Press the grounds down and then pour the coffee into a glass with ice.

And, behold, Iced Coffee!

But wait, where's the creamer?! Gotta have it, y'all.

Now stir it up and lookee-there! Woo-hoo!

But does it survive the taste test?

Well......yeah. Yeah it does!

NOW. 

Here's what I learned about what I did right, and what I did wrong. (I've gleaned all of my coffee terminology and knowledge from the super cool guys at J. Brooks Coffee. You should check 'em out!)

1) I learned that the roast level and the grind I chose was too light and too fine for cold-brewed (though not necessarily iced coffee.) I chose a medium roast and I should have chosen a dark, I got a fine ground and I should have gotten a course. The reason behind that is that as the coffee beans are roasted darker, the sugars in them caramelize, producing a better flavor for cold-brewed coffee. The finer ground leaves more surface area for flavor to be pulled from which results in a stronger coffee than I might have wanted. (The medium roast is fine if you're brewing hot coffee with which to chill and then make iced coffee, however.)

2) I let the coffee steep waaaay to long. It was recommended to me that, due to the finer grind, I should probably only let it steep for 10 hours, 12 at the most. Well, I might possibly have stayed up super duper late and therefore slept in really late and my coffee, poor thing, might have steeped for 15 hours. Oops. This produced a super strong, and very bitter coffee. But "behind" the bitterness was an absolutely incredible flavor that I, obviously, really enjoyed. So next time I will be steeping the coffee for the recommended time to see if that alleviates the bitterness. If not, I'll try a different roast. 

3) The coffee creamer was so totally awesome! I'm so glad I tried it. Especially because I can make it any flavor I want and it's cheap! And I know exactly what I'm putting in my body. So cool.

So all in all, The Great Coffee Experiment was a success and I will be repeating it often. Huzzah!

Busting A Relationship Myth

There are a bunch of people on Facebook sharing an article titled, "6 Things Healthy Couples DON'T Do". And I think it's awesome!

And the first item on the list caught my eye: #1: "Healthy couples don't go to bed angry"

That's a great idea, a wonderful statement on how, ideally, couples should work through issues as they happen. (And yes, The Gentleman and I try to work things out immediately.) But in reality, there are nights when we have to let the matter rest until the next day (or the weekend) when we have time to work it out. He works full time and I'm in school 9 months out of the year and sometimes staying up until the wee hours of the morning figuring things out is just not reasonable or an option.

It is certainly more healthy for a relationship to be able to work an issue out before going to bed, so please don't think I'm bashing the article! But I do want to show a realistic scenario that doesn't line up with the ideal. I am NOT saying that you should go to sleep while ready to chew your significant other out, instead, agree to disagree for the evening and *then* go to bed, or go study, or whatever it is that you need to be doing. My issue with advice like not going to bed angry is that so many times it just glosses over issues, as if every time there is a disagreement, every couple will be able to pop a bag of popcorn and settle in for the evening to have a "work it out" session. That ain't happening. Especially not if you're dating. Super especially not if you're in a long-distance relationship (holla!)

There are times when you may have to set the issue aside for several days until both parties have the time the issue deserves. And that stinks, especially as a girl. We girls can obsess over issues until we can't sleep! (Not saying guys don't do this, but females are more likely to.) 

So, while definitely NOT the ideal, it is acceptable to lay a matter to rest for the evening. Please don't get too caught up in keeping "the rules" that you drag a matter far into a night that you needed to be persuing other things. I've done it and regretted it. Healthy couples can make adjustments when needed. 

P.S. This is not advice that The Gentleman and I have come up with on our own. It was presented to us in a book that completely changed our relationship (for the better!) Fit To Be Tied is a book we now recommend to every single couple we know, and even to our single friends!

Love and Respect {Part 2}: The Heart of a Relationship

I was nervous about showing The Gentleman my post from Tuesday. Mostly because I have always been ridiculously self-conscious of things I write, but also because The Gentleman lives and breathes cars. (The entire vehicle analogy came from my observations of how careful he is with his vehicles.) I held my breath while he read it and then asked his opinion. There was immense relief when he said he liked it and then started talking about it. He even said that I got most of the car terms correct – bonus points for this girlfriend!

After we discussed the role of respect in relationships and how respect must be a non-negotiable, freely given (never at jeopardy of being taken away on a whim) gift between the partners, he asked if I planned to continue the post.  While I had thought about it a little, I hadn’t planned on pursuing it right away. The Gentleman suggested that I focus more on my engine analogy and explained that, if you were to strip a car down to its basic components, the engine would actually be the heart of the car. He said, “You know, if you forget to care for the heart of your relationship, you really are doomed to break down.” And that sparked a thought.

A few days ago, I witnessed my mother try desperately to get her car fixed, but no shop could take it in until four days later. Thankfully The Gentleman and my father were able to get it fixed, but there was much duress until then. I am so thankful that when my “relationship car” starts breaking down, I can take it right away to The Mechanic (Christ). There’s never a wait-list, He’s always open, and He never does bad work. What’s even more powerful is when both partners take their “car” in together.

If maintaining a healthy relationship is like maintaining a car, how can you keep your “relationship car” running well? I’ve asked The Gentleman to help me in compiling a list of ways we think you can keep a relationship running smoothly and as The Mechanic intended:

• Preventative Maintenance – talk about problems as they come up.
• Pray every day, throughout the day, for your relationship. For God’s hand to cover your mouth to keep you from saying words or thoughts that would provoke your boyfriend – or anyone else, for that matter.
• The most intimate moments I have with The Gentleman revolve around us sharing our spiritual life with each other. Talk about your personal walk with Christ. Go to church together. Pray with each other. Text a Bible verse you think might be applicable to each other’s day (this little act has completely turned my day around from bad to wonderful.) This kind of intimacy does not come easy for me – I have always struggled with talking about my personal faith. But how can I possibly claim the name of a Christian and not talk be about it? This is a growing period for me and I am so appreciative of The Gentleman’s heart in this matter.
• Laugh together. Anyone who has been around us for any amount of time knows that we can’t go long without doing something that makes one or both of us laugh. It’s so freeing to be in a relationship where we can be ourselves and have someone who shares our sense of humor.
• Truly do respect each other. Today’s society has a little mantra floating around that says, “Respect must be earned” and that’s a nice thought – until you begin to dissect it. When you do, you realize why we have a rape culture - why would a man respect a woman if he is taught to think she hasn’t done anything in particular to earn it? You realize why there are parents crying out for help because their children are going wild – if the children don’t believe the less-than-perfect parents have earned their respect, why would they listen? Yes, some respect should be earned; a man should have won the respect of people before running for presidency, an employee should earn the respect of their boss and co-workers before moving up in the company. But plain and simple respect for another person because they are a beautifully and wonderfully created-by-God being is not something anyone has to earn. It is a right from even before birth. My respect for my boyfriend is not conditional on how I feel moment-by-moment. His respect for me is not something I have to earn each and every new day. 

Mary vs. Martha

A while back I was sitting in the living room of a pastor's home for his weekly house-church service. Attempting to be polite, I kept offering to help get things ready. The pastor said that he didn’t think there was anything that needed doing. I replied, “But you know me, and you know I can’t sit still – I’ve got to be doing something!” He looked at me with a smile and said, “Well, then, it looks like you need to sit down and listen, Martha!”*

Ouch.

That was a very simple lesson, only one sentence long, but it was profound and it has changed my outlook on how I approach being helpful. I’ve discovered 4 Rules for Christ-Honoring Helpfulness:

1.     If being helpful stops you from hearing about the needs of others, you’re doing something wrong. The Lord says to listen to others and be empathetic (Romans 12:15; Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.)

2.       Don’t use being helpful as an excuse to distract yourself from a real priority. You can help yourself into sinning if you’re too busy being helpful to hear the lesson the Lord is trying to teach you. This is the lesson Mary knew and what Martha had yet to learn.

3.       Being helpful can hamper your {emotional, spiritual, and physical} health. If acts of service is your spiritual gift, then this is most definitely something to watch for. You can so easily wear yourself to the bone helping others that you neglect yourself and your family. Make a point to learn how and when to say no, and then stick to that decision.

4.       Frankly, being helpful can annoy other people and you can get in their way! “Too many cooks spoil the broth” is not just a quaint saying, it’s the truth. Sometimes, staying out of the way is more help than you could ever imagine.

I’ve not gotten this down pat yet, but I sincerely am trying to learn. Any thoughts on helping?

*Luke 10:38:42

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “You are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”